Wow! it sure has been a long time!

I can't believe it has been four years since I wrote on this blog. A friend's birthday dinner Saturday night reminded me how much I missed writing in my blog. I thought it had been a year at most but four....Wow! So much has changed in my life since 2010. I would say that it has completely turned around. And I don't say that to imply that it just changed one day, all on its own. I have learned, finally, that it doesn't work that way. If you want something to change you need to start making it happen. My problem with that concept prior to this was that it was such an abstract concept to me. I saw it as the universe needing to get around to making things better for me. It was a waiting game. I had to wait my turn. It wasn't that at all. When I last wrote in this blog I had been laid off from a job. I spent a year looking for a new one. It was the saddest, scariest and most stressful year of my life. I applied online, I applied in person, I went to temp agencies and I was even almost scammed by a company that charged you to help you find a job. Luckily, I realized it before they succeeded. I finally got a job by doing something I didn't quite believe I could do. I applied for a management position. I didn't think I had the qualifications or the experience but I got it. My roommate at the time pushed me to try. He was a huge influence. At that point I thought all the problems in my life would go away. At this point the next lesson came. You have to face the root of the problem head on and not try and fill holes with the wrong things to make things better. While I needed a job, the job wasn't the only problem I was having. For a brief time at this job I got to know one of the Lifeguards. We used to chat a lot. He was just one of those people that I immediately felt I could trust and I guess he felt the same. He told me about his struggle with anxiety and it was through his story that I found strength to finally go an see my doctor and talk about my own struggles with depression. This was the step that changed my whole life. I am very grateful to him for the courage he inspired in me. This is another life lesson that I want to hang onto. Every person that comes into your life, whether it be for a moment, a month, a year, or a lifetime has something valuable to teach you, if you are open to learning it. I now try a lot harder to be open to hearing the lessons. The one decision to seek help, opened so many doors for me. My life started to change from that moment forward. I like to believe this is because I was open to changing all the things that weren't working in my life. It is that decision that is the catalyst for change. Sometimes we get so buried in our own sadness that we can't see the way out. The truth is though that no one can rescue you from yourself. Fairy tales and novels have been pushing the idea of love saving you from life ruts and that it will make everything better for you. The thing they never mention in these stories is that it isn't romantic love that saves you, it is self-love. The moment you love yourself enough to change the thing that is keeping you stuck the world starts unfolding for you in ways you previously believed impossible. It didn't happen quickly. It was a slow build but with everything that occurred after...giving up on the hope of a relationship, getting into a new relationship, being bullied at work, work climate changing and dealing with angry and bitter co-workers, new relationship falling apart with no explanation, work getting steadily more stressful, getting a therapist, reading more about my circumstances and coming to understand myself and my thought patterns, my problems unraveling, reconnecting with old friends, being secretly set up with someone that grew into the healthiest relationship I have ever had, losing my job, making the choice to go back to school in something that really gets me thinking and passionate. As you can see there was a lot of negative until I started looking out for and building up myself. But it was me that had to take the steps to get there. No one did it for me. The key is asking for help and being serious about doing what is necessary to get it. I had friends that had been gently trying to push me to get help for a long time. I never did what they were suggesting. When I did, everything got better. So stop waiting for someone to save you. There is no hero coming and the reason for that is the hero is already there - it is you.